The Joy of Queerness

Self-actualization is pure happiness

After coming out as a lesbian trans woman, one of the most typical responses that I’d receive (and unfortunately still receive) is sympathy for the perceived tragedy that it is to be trans or queer. Before I say anything more, I want you to know that if this is your response to a loved one, I need you to disconnect yourself from these feelings for a moment and analyze them. It’s time to unpack.

I’ll first admit that coming out can absolutely bring tragedy, pain, and unfortunate experiences, but I’m going to tell you right now, definitively, that for me, being trans is not itself a tragedy. The parts of being queer and trans that really suck the most have much less to do with me and much more with the way society treats us, from years of repression, rejection by friends and family, to career, to medical gatekeeping, to political attempts toward genocide. Yeah, okay, that stuff sucks, but… you know what’s great about being queer and trans?

It feels absolutely wonderful to be me. It’s fucking awesome. I can breathe. This is not a tragedy, this is life and its fucking wonderful!

It’s interesting that early on in the process of coming out, I could mostly predict people in my life who were going to pretend to be accepting and then flip a switch later toward rejection and bigotry. What was the key indicator? If they treated me like my existence was a tragedy. People who said they supported me ‘even if’ I’m trans. People who told me it was going to be difficult while hugging me, as if I was making a choice– being trans is not a choice (and honestly, even if it was, why would it matter?), and I did not choose to be trans, I just am. People whose only response was to tell me that I needed therapy because they ‘care about’ me– to be clear, I do believe therapy can be a great thing, but when that’s your only response, as opposed to saying you’ll be there for someone to listen or talk if they need, be a shoulder or a friend… it’s telling. It’s saying that you need to see a therapist specifically because there is something wrong with you and I’m not going to be there for you.

And don’t get me wrong, it can take a minute to grapple with altering your perception of long-term friends and family, but that doesn’t make it a tragedy, that just makes it a process. Even that process, however, is mostly a process of deprogramming in order to come to grips with ideas of cisheteronormativity that we’ve been indoctrinated to believe. Plenty of people I know when I came out responded simply with, “Huh. That actually makes a lot of sense. I’m super happy for you!” It clicked immediately. Some people have more deprogramming to do to deconstruct a perception of the world that they’d taken for granted.

So let’s get back to this false perception of tragedy.

If you feel sympathy instead of empathy, if you feel a sense of tragedy for a person you love who is trans, let me ask you, what is so tragic? What makes you feel pity instead of happiness and celebration for your loved one who now gets to walk in the world as their true self? What is the barrier from seeing your loved one as free from the shackles placed upon them, that they have managed to break free from in spite of external pressure? What makes you see them as a victim instead of agent of their own humanity?

In your mind’s eye, when you envision your loved one and feel sorrow, is it specifically because of their queerness? Because if you love them in their queerness, and more importantly if they love themselves in their queerness, then this is irrelevant to your relationship.

Is it because you are worried because people might bully them? Easy, don’t be their first bully, whether as a parent or a friend or otherwise. Better yet, be the person that they know they can be safe to be themselves with. Don’t push them down, build them up. Encourage them. Take pleasure in their happiness and the uncommon beauty of their queer existence.

Are you concerned about their ability to live and navigate in a society that doesn’t want to allow them to exist– that denies their ability to participate in extracurricular activities with their friends, from getting a job, from marriage, and wider acceptance? Acceptance starts with you and every individual person you interact with. You want to get serious about it? March. Petition. Take direct action. Speak up. Speak out. Take political action. Refuse to support individuals, groups, companies, and all those who would harm your loved ones. Support those who look out for the interest of those you love.

Are you worried they might be wrong and not queer after all? I’ve discussed that before, and long story short, so what if they are wrong? Is it such a tragedy to be wrong? There is just as much beauty in the process of discovery that leads one to understand, and even remake, their true selves whether they are queer or not.

Be radical: See the beauty

Being vulnerable enough to explore and discover your true self, let alone the audacity to take action and walk in the world authentically is a radical act. It shouldn’t be. We should all be free to be ourselves.

If you see tragedy in our existence, as opposed to the real but external forces working against us, step back. Evaluate. Why do you see tragedy instead of beauty?

I take pure joy and happiness in living my true existence. Do you?