CW: Bigotry, Racism
Yesterday my family and I attended a Pride festival and had what was, put simply, a cathartic experience.
Today is Juneteenth.
Since coming out as trans, we've had to cut people out, ignorant and hateful people (these two often go hand in hand). I'm told I should be patient with people, despite the fact that I've spent 35 years being patient with people's bigotry surrounding me and dealing with the hate that they've directed at people like me. The fact that they didn't realize until recently that their hate applied to me is irrelevant as I've still been subjected to a lifetime of hatred, bigotry, and trauma which has been the largest source of repression for me.
I'm told I should be patient with the people who have increased and directed their venom at myself and my family. I'm told, hopefully they'll change, give them time, give them a chance. I've given them 35 years of my own life. I've given them their entire lives, as well. History has given them millennia to end their genocide and systemic oppression.
It is not mine or my wife's responsibility to be patient, to subject myself and my family to this sort of abuse. It is not my responsibility to argue, to prove... anything. It is not my responsibility to educate.
Victims may, of course, take steps to defend themselves, but it is an abuser's responsibility to stop abuse. The oppressed may take steps to alleviate their suffering, but it is an oppressor's responsibility to stop their own oppression. The educated and oppressed may take steps to educate, but it is the responsibility of the ignorant to educate their own selves. It is not the responsibility of those who are hurt to wait, to be patient, to give their abusers and oppressors time on the chance that they may change. Those who are hurt deserve to live with joy, love, and dignity without delay.
As I reflect on Juneteenth, I am perpetually reminded of the horrific education I received wherein I was taught that most slave owners were kind, but there were a few bad apples, and that most slaves loved their masters. I was taught that slaves who rebelled should have been peaceful if they had complaints because by being 'violent murderers' essentially 'proved' why white people were superior and why these slaves deserved to be slaves. I was taught the evils of Malcom X and was given the whitewashed version of Dr. King. I remember at a young age when my aunt taught me that Black people are lazy, and I can't even bring myself to type the rest of what she said. I remember my classmates using the N-word on a daily basis in school, in front of teachers, with no repercussions-- it's not like there were any black people in the school, so no one is getting hurt, right?
None of this scratches the surface of the backwards education I received in school, church, and community. I feel fortunate to recognize that I was always cynical and upset by all of these things, in part, because of other cynical people in my community who spoke up, but it does not mean that certain damages were not done that I have worked to dismantle within my life. Most of the damages stem from ignorance. Even though I didn't believe the bullshit, I still was left empty handed when it came to proper knowledge.
I am perpetually reminded of a time during my first year as an undergrad when hanging out with a black friend who had brought along some of her own friends (also black). They mentioned Rosa Parks, and I had no idea who she was and asked. They were not just upset, they were angry. They left me in the dust, so to speak. They walked away and I was dumfounded. I was upset at the time because I was never taught who Rosa Parks is, so I wondered why didn't they have patience with me and teach me?
It took me longer than I care to admit to understand why they were angry with me, specifically. I wanted to learn. Shouldn't it be the system that educated me that should be the target of their anger?
Here's the thing, though. It was not their responsibility to educate me. It was not their responsibility to hold my hand. Yes, it was the system's fault for what it exposed or hid from me, but it is my fault for what I fail to seek and learn. I was young and I forgive myself now for what I did not know then, but I know now that in life I must take responsibility for my own education. It was not their responsibility to wait for me and to teach me while my ignorance causes their pain, much less so had I been actively espousing bigotry (which I was not). It is my responsibility to catch up, not for them to wait. They've been waiting long enough, as have their ancestors.
To be clear, I believe that grace is the best policy for those who actively seek understanding and to support, but also to be clear, grace is not a requirement but a gift of charity, especially as it comes at the expense, and often pain and exploitation of any minority. Moreover, questions are often asked in bad faith and not with the intent to learn, but to discredit.
There are many things that I still must learn, many actions I still must take. In his disgust with slavery, Thoreau once said that we have "not every thing to do, but something."
On this Juneteenth, the most significant thing that I reflect upon is that it is my own responsibility I must take upon myself, and that it is no one's responsibility to be patient with my ignorance. When people afford me the gift of grace to be patient with me, when people help me in my journey, I will not take it for granted and I will have gratitude.
Likewise, in the spirit of this coinciding Pride weekend, I want to be clear that I have little to no patience for those who actively espouse bigotry or hatred toward myself and my family, and I will not 'wait' for them, no matter how close the ties may be. However, for those that are sincere, you may expect grace from me, just as long as you don't expect for me to wait. I know what it's like to be ignorant, and I know that we each have our own journey toward enlightenment. Lead with love and I will be there.